there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
