i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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