i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
