I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
