dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
