Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
