My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
