the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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