I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
