I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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