I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
