Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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