I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
