Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
