oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
