We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
