The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
