Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
