I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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