You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
