If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
