Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
