This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
So much rum. So many feels.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
