I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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