I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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