I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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