halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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