I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
