He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
40s are totally the cure
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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