my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
