I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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