Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
