Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
