I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
