Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
