I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
