oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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