Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
