So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
