Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
and she was petting her beer can
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
