I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
