After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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