i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
