I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
