Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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