The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
she peed on how many people?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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