Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
