that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
