I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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