No awkward lesbian experiences without me
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
